By Bobbie Rill
Have you ever struggled getting to sleep because of sadness, a broken heart, or feeling depressed? Or, perhaps something woke you in the middle of the night and you started thinking about something or someone that caused you to feel sad. Most of us can relate to a seemingly endless night spent in tears, lying in bed waiting for the hours to pass with the hope things will be better in the morning. Then you might relate to Joy.
Joy, a mother of three, struggled silently with her pains of loneliness and discouragement. No one really knew how desperate she felt. When she would open up and share, it was generally met with an endearing soul trying to reassure her not to worry. "It will get better." But the truth was she was barely holding on, trying to make it through another day, another restless night.
She was waiting - waiting for things to change, waiting for someone to come to her aid or the dawn of a new day that would bring a new reality. She was tired of hopes and dreams. She had done that only to face the grim realities with which she had to deal day after day. Her life was mundane and full of reoccurring hurts from careless words, lack of appreciation and unfulfilled dreams. Her energy was gone. She was tired putting on a mask - welcoming everyone with a cheerful hello and smile. The truth was her hope was gone. She felt over-whelmed, under-appreciated and extremely unhappy.
If what Joy experienced sounds similar to your own situation, please know there is help! Here are three steps to begin turning your life and your world around.
Step 1. Introspection.
While you need to guard against being self-absorbed (which, by the way, comes quite naturally to most of us), you do need to look carefully at both your character strengths and your character flaws. Take two pieces of paper, one for strengths and the other for character flaws or what you might call growth areas. List as many as possible. Most women can list their character flaws without much hesitation but listing strengths can sometimes be more difficult. If you can't think of at least four or five for both strengths and growth areas, ask for input from a trusted friend.
The point of identifying your strengths is to assess whether or not you're using them to the fullest. Example: Strength - You love interacting with people.
Situation: If you're working in an isolated area without much people contact, it's no wonder you might be unhappy with your job. The good news is you can begin to take steps to change that.
On your paper for character flaws, you want to identify areas in which you want to:
a. Improve - an example might be patience
b. Disciplines you need to develop - an example might be anger management or less impulsive spending
c. Self-defeating or irrational thoughts and behaviors that are preventing you from being the kind of person you want to be and that are sabotaging you from reaching your goals. Some examples of self-defeating thoughts are "I'm no good." "Things will never change." "I'm too stupid...to slow...to fat...to old..." You fill in the blank with what you tell yourself. "I'm too __________." Some self-defeating behaviors might include buying junk food when you're trying to take off 15 pounds. Not making time for friends because of a busy schedule when you long to be connected and have some fun in your life.
The key to step one is to be honest and then do something about what you see!
Once your list is complete, put a star next to one of your strengths and one growth area. Write down an action statement describing how and when in the next 24 hours you plan to make a positive change in this area and commit to doing it. Work on one strength and one growth area at a time until you've gone through your entire list.
Step 2. Look outside the box.
You've heard that said over and over again but what does it really mean?
Outside Box #1 - For you, looking outside the box might mean looking beyond your own limitations. Stop feeling sorry for your self because you don't possess all of the skills you need to accomplish those things you want to do. Look at the resources of those you know who might be interested in coming along side you and have the time to help, those who possess the necessary skills to get the job done. Today outsourcing is huge. There are even web sites out there who will provide you a list of resources and/or people you can hire to do those things you either can't do or don't want to do.
Outside Box #2 -It also might mean sitting down and making a list of your options, realizing that you do have choices. You are not stuck in a boring routine unless you choose to remain there. You have a choice and can make a positive change but you must look beyond your current situation, step back and assess your options.
By the way, most of the time there are a good three or four options. It's not just an either or situation like, "Do I stay in this marriage or leave?" There are other options to consider. For instance when debating whether to stay or leave a marriage, one might ask the following questions to generate other possibilities. "What changes can I personally make that would help?" "What can I do to help improve our communication?" "Lessen the conflict?" Etcetera. You may be surprised just how many options there are for making healthy changes that can improve your situation.
Outside Box #3 - All of us need to look outside the box when it comes to our view of God, His love and the abundant life He wants us to experience. Psalm 34:18 says, "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." How little and uninvolved is God in your life? Take a look at the Bible and discover how BIG and involved He longs to be. There are lots of good passages to read. For example, read Romans 8:26-39.
Notice the first letter of each key thought in looking outside the box - Limitation, Options, God. It's L O G. Take at look at the passage in Matthew 7 and think about how easy it is to judge another person without being honest with yourself. Matthew 7:3 says, "Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,' and behold the log is in your own eye?" Bottom line - it's important for you and me to look first at those changes we need to make than to criticize someone else.
Step 3. Do it now!
Ideas and good intentions are fine but they will never amount to anything if you don't put feet to your words. Joy waited for things to change. Yet what really needed to happen was for her and perhaps you, as well, to keep focusing on those things that can be changed. And, don't just think about it. Take thoughtful action, today.
"Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good
way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls." (Jeremiah 6:16)
If you do that, it won't be long and soon you'll find true joy in the morning.
Bobbie Rill, M.A., LPC
Have you ever struggled getting to sleep because of sadness, a broken heart, or feeling depressed? Or, perhaps something woke you in the middle of the night and you started thinking about something or someone that caused you to feel sad. Most of us can relate to a seemingly endless night spent in tears, lying in bed waiting for the hours to pass with the hope things will be better in the morning. Then you might relate to Joy.
Joy, a mother of three, struggled silently with her pains of loneliness and discouragement. No one really knew how desperate she felt. When she would open up and share, it was generally met with an endearing soul trying to reassure her not to worry. "It will get better." But the truth was she was barely holding on, trying to make it through another day, another restless night.
She was waiting - waiting for things to change, waiting for someone to come to her aid or the dawn of a new day that would bring a new reality. She was tired of hopes and dreams. She had done that only to face the grim realities with which she had to deal day after day. Her life was mundane and full of reoccurring hurts from careless words, lack of appreciation and unfulfilled dreams. Her energy was gone. She was tired putting on a mask - welcoming everyone with a cheerful hello and smile. The truth was her hope was gone. She felt over-whelmed, under-appreciated and extremely unhappy.
If what Joy experienced sounds similar to your own situation, please know there is help! Here are three steps to begin turning your life and your world around.
Step 1. Introspection.
While you need to guard against being self-absorbed (which, by the way, comes quite naturally to most of us), you do need to look carefully at both your character strengths and your character flaws. Take two pieces of paper, one for strengths and the other for character flaws or what you might call growth areas. List as many as possible. Most women can list their character flaws without much hesitation but listing strengths can sometimes be more difficult. If you can't think of at least four or five for both strengths and growth areas, ask for input from a trusted friend.
The point of identifying your strengths is to assess whether or not you're using them to the fullest. Example: Strength - You love interacting with people.
Situation: If you're working in an isolated area without much people contact, it's no wonder you might be unhappy with your job. The good news is you can begin to take steps to change that.
On your paper for character flaws, you want to identify areas in which you want to:
a. Improve - an example might be patience
b. Disciplines you need to develop - an example might be anger management or less impulsive spending
c. Self-defeating or irrational thoughts and behaviors that are preventing you from being the kind of person you want to be and that are sabotaging you from reaching your goals. Some examples of self-defeating thoughts are "I'm no good." "Things will never change." "I'm too stupid...to slow...to fat...to old..." You fill in the blank with what you tell yourself. "I'm too __________." Some self-defeating behaviors might include buying junk food when you're trying to take off 15 pounds. Not making time for friends because of a busy schedule when you long to be connected and have some fun in your life.
The key to step one is to be honest and then do something about what you see!
Once your list is complete, put a star next to one of your strengths and one growth area. Write down an action statement describing how and when in the next 24 hours you plan to make a positive change in this area and commit to doing it. Work on one strength and one growth area at a time until you've gone through your entire list.
Step 2. Look outside the box.
You've heard that said over and over again but what does it really mean?
Outside Box #1 - For you, looking outside the box might mean looking beyond your own limitations. Stop feeling sorry for your self because you don't possess all of the skills you need to accomplish those things you want to do. Look at the resources of those you know who might be interested in coming along side you and have the time to help, those who possess the necessary skills to get the job done. Today outsourcing is huge. There are even web sites out there who will provide you a list of resources and/or people you can hire to do those things you either can't do or don't want to do.
Outside Box #2 -It also might mean sitting down and making a list of your options, realizing that you do have choices. You are not stuck in a boring routine unless you choose to remain there. You have a choice and can make a positive change but you must look beyond your current situation, step back and assess your options.
By the way, most of the time there are a good three or four options. It's not just an either or situation like, "Do I stay in this marriage or leave?" There are other options to consider. For instance when debating whether to stay or leave a marriage, one might ask the following questions to generate other possibilities. "What changes can I personally make that would help?" "What can I do to help improve our communication?" "Lessen the conflict?" Etcetera. You may be surprised just how many options there are for making healthy changes that can improve your situation.
Outside Box #3 - All of us need to look outside the box when it comes to our view of God, His love and the abundant life He wants us to experience. Psalm 34:18 says, "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." How little and uninvolved is God in your life? Take a look at the Bible and discover how BIG and involved He longs to be. There are lots of good passages to read. For example, read Romans 8:26-39.
Notice the first letter of each key thought in looking outside the box - Limitation, Options, God. It's L O G. Take at look at the passage in Matthew 7 and think about how easy it is to judge another person without being honest with yourself. Matthew 7:3 says, "Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,' and behold the log is in your own eye?" Bottom line - it's important for you and me to look first at those changes we need to make than to criticize someone else.
Step 3. Do it now!
Ideas and good intentions are fine but they will never amount to anything if you don't put feet to your words. Joy waited for things to change. Yet what really needed to happen was for her and perhaps you, as well, to keep focusing on those things that can be changed. And, don't just think about it. Take thoughtful action, today.
"Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good
way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls." (Jeremiah 6:16)
If you do that, it won't be long and soon you'll find true joy in the morning.
Bobbie Rill, M.A., LPC
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